Christmas thoughts for my children..... This has been my favorite Christmas so far! Watching the joy in your faces and your ability to shine God's love is amazing. You sacrificed in a special way this year and I'm so proud of you! 

I've had Christmases where I received very few gifts, ones where I've received plenty, ones where I pleaded to God to spare Uncle Darryl's life while in the emergency room, ones where I've sang sweet Christmas hymns to my rocking babies, ones where I'd seen people give freely out of poverty, ones where Bubbe has scraped together enough money and time to host anyone in the neighborhood who needed a warm and loving home environment for Christmas, ones in new places, and ones at home, ones where I felt out of place and others where I felt unconditional love, ones where I've been humbled, and ones where I've been selfish, ones where I have chased down a Christmas tree that my dad ran over, and others where our tree constantly fell over! But what doesn't change is God's amazing grace. No matter what my current feelings or circumstances He would have come to save us all and he knew my heart before He breathed me into this world. I'm so overwhelmed this Christmas by His grace and redemption. I'm so thankful and tearful this evening at I watched you spend time reading with my brother, cuddle with my mom, and snuggle deep in your daddy's arms. Life is so precious and I am so thankful you for and for our beautiful family. May God walk with you during each of your Christmases whether they be years of plenty or those that are lean. He is always faithful sweet, children. Always. 

Thoughts for my children...

Dear Children, 

I write this praying at you have a saving faith in Jesus by the time you are able to read it for yourselves. Our society is being shaken by a group of people who desire death and murder. They are a small group with great power. Our culture is afraid and people are seeking one extreme side or the other. All over the world in many countries people fight every single day for their lives. They always have and always will. Now that it affects “US” we desire to be more involved. 

I need to remind you that the world is a crazy place. It has been since sin first entered the world. Remember Babylon? Noah and the flood? Sodom and Gomorrah? You are living in a society that is so obsessed with internet communication that it is forgotten the true connect of humanity through personal relationships. In my opinion, this is the biggest tragedy that our culture could ever face. The ability to eliminate the personal connection dehumanizes us. You are living in a world where people take the words of BLOGS written by people they don’t even know then call it their Gospel truth. If you do believe in fact that the Holy Bible is the Word of God then that is where you should seek soul shaking wisdom. Through prayer, through scripture, and through personal relationships with people who you value and admire- these alone should be your sources of worth and wisdom. Please do not get sucked in to a world of tainted media, secret agendas, advertisements, opinions of those you don’t even know. Set you hearts on Christ alone. He is enough. He will provide you with the wisdom, strength, grace, and peace that you need. Hold fast sweet ones to connecting to those who are made in the image of Christ by serving them, knowing them, praying for them, spending time with them, and just being with them. I pray that others would do the same for you.

 I love you and pray that your eyes are forever fixed on God alone and not on the world.

Read Psalm 119

Being a Grandmother

My husband and I often write down special memories we have with our children as well as little notes to our future selves regarding parenting. We know that once our experiences in various seasons of life have ended, we lose sight of relating to those exact times. So our goal in doing this is to teach ourselves how to be better parents to our adolescent and adult children as well as to our grandchildren. We treasure all of the highlights and pray to pass them on to our own little flock.

13 months ago, my grandmother joined us in Walt Disney World for a few days. Moments before her flight left she discovered that her cancer had re-surfaced. Instead of staying home in her pain, she jumped on a flight to Orlando to join me, my husband, and our children. She spent our few days there in a wheelchair soaking in every beautiful and fun moment despite her pain. She made the trip about our children and rejoiced in their aw and wonder in a magical place. After the past year, she has battled so so hard and last week discovered that the doctors can do no more to help her. So what is she doing in her last moments of this earthy life? Sitting at home feeling sorry for herself? No, in fact she is flying in from her home in Chicago to visit us this weekend. She said to me on the phone, "I'm so glad it's just cancer and not anything worse, I'm just so thankful to have my mind." Woah, to have that insight and wisdom in the presence of death put me in tears.

My grandmother and I have always had a special bond and although she has lived 2 hours away from me for the first half of my life and 15 hours away for the second half, we have maintained such a strong relationship. When my father, her son, died she became even more a gift in my life. She has taught me so much about being a grandmother and I don't ever want to forget it. When my moment comes to be a grandma, I want to be one that has so many of her attributes. Here are some of the amazing things she has taught my heart:

 Choosing to shower love on your grandchildren is an extension of your love for your children. Although you may think your parenting of them is complete, you can continue to bless on and love them by spending time with, writing to, and talking on the phone with your grandchildren. You children will relish in the fact that you adore their children and you will form an incredible bond with sweet kiddos. Make time for your grandchildren.

Answer the phone when they call. Listen to their silly childhood stories, teenage woes, young adults needing advice, new moms and dads needing encouragement. Don't let too much time go by in-between visits. It may be a challenge because your "schedule" is "too busy", but stop what you are doing and make the effort to be a presence in their lives. Jump on a flight 3 or 4 times a year or hop in the car as much as you can! They will savor every single moment with you and feel as though they are important to you.

Visit in-between holidays and when you are with them make them feel like the world has stopped just for your moments together. My grandmother would send my fiance (now husband) plane tickets just so we could visit them for a weekend!

 Take them to "special" places. My grandmother took us to play tennis, out for ice cream, shopping, to gardens, rummage sales, delivering cookies and flowers to neighbors, strawberry picking, to polo matches and baseball games, on vacations, in walks through her garden, to the neighbors pool during hot summer days, and so many more. It doesn't have to be expensive or grand, but it does have to be special.

 Tell your grandchildren how much you love their parents. My grandmother told me again and again how amazing my mom is and it touched my heart in a special way.

 Offer to listen without ever giving advice. Just listen. Don't share what your story is or how bad you may have had it, just listen. Empathize. If they trust you, they will ask for your advice.

 Don't hold your past against them. If you didn't bond with your own parents or grandparents, this is the time to change the cycle. My grandmother didn't form as special of bonds with her grandparents as she has shared with us, but she has never used it as an excuse to dismiss our relationship.

 When your grandchildren get engaged and start a marriage, accept their spouses into your heart. Get to know them, make them feel special, too. Shower them with the same attention and love that you give your grandchildren. Not only with they feel connected to your family, your grandchild will be so delighted. My grandparents spent so many nights sleeping on the pull our couch in our various apartments. Never once, did they complain, but instead delighted in spending time with us.

 Pray for them, Every, Day. Call and ask for prayer requests. Pray with them. Pray for their parents. Pray for your entire family to know Jesus and to follow hard after Him. Your prayers are so important.

 Do you best to shine Christ into their lives with every word, action, and prayer. They are counting on your example in this messy world and they want to find comfort in your kindness and love.

 So, as I prepare my heart to potentially spend my final earthly moments with my "Grammie", I rejoice in the example that she set and I will weep for the lack of her daily phone calls and presence in my life. I thank God that my own mother is following in her footsteps by loving on my children and fostering a strong bond with them. I pray that my family will leave a legacy of bridging the generation gaps to honor and glorify God.

Dear santa...

Dear friends, Please don't use "santa" as a form of parenting. The threat of being "good" in order to get presents hurts my heart. Love on your kids, teach them, train them in the ways of the Lord, encourage them, discipline them, guide them, support them, love on them-- but please don't turn the advent season into a season of "If you don't (...) Santa won't give you presents". Instead view this as a season of the Gift that we all get- despite our own behavior/attitude/thoughts. The amazing gift of Jesus- of love everlasting- of redemption. Your children long for nothing more than your unconditional love- don't complicate it with the condition of santa bringing presents. Our children are our precious gift and we don't deserve them. I mess up daily, but God saw fit to bless me with two precious miracles. My prayer is that I use this season to love on them the way He loves on us. By 9am on December 25th the "santa-threat parenting" will be null and void. But the love, boundaries, respect, joy, and peace that we work on in our homes will live on. Let us shape them into people that love themselves, one another, and the Lord.

Letter to my son

Exactly 4 years ago your father and I sat in the OB/GYN office watching your 6 week old heart beating on an ultrasound machine. My heart was so excited and nervous at the same time. While in that small exam room, I said to you daddy; "We never did any genetic counseling, I pray that this little one does not have Spina Bifida". Upon hearing my comment, Dr.B proceeds to say, "Oh, don't worry about it. You can ALWAYS TERMINATE". My heart broke as her words stabbed me. My knee jerk reaction statement to her was "I do not believe in murdering my child- did you not just see a heartbeat?!" Oh son, our doctor was ready to murder you before we even had a chance to rejoice in your beating heart. We went on to find out that most people have a 1% chance of having Spina Bifida and you had a 3% chance. So for a 3% chance, our culture would rather murder a child than embrace one with a disability. Noah, this world of ours is so beautiful and so sick. You daddy and I would love you the same if could not walk, hear, see, think, eat, or function. Our love for you is mirrored (but can never be as great) as Jesus' love for us. The world will tell you that you are a chauvinistic man if you do not "allow" a woman to "abort" (aka murder or take the life of) her unborn child. Our culture tells men that babies are responsibility of the mothers and by all means if that baby is killed then they do not have to have any parental responsibility either. Please do not give in to this son. Please know that women all over the world are seeking men to support them, to love them and their unborn children, to recognize that these pregnancies are often a "burden" or "unwanted", but please come alongside of them and support them. When I look back on my childhood and see the example that Uncle Darryl sets for us, my heart knows that being born with a disability is better than not being born at all. Uncle Darryl lives his life to shine God's grace and despite never being able to walk, over 70 intensive surgeries, not being able to do what all of his friends do, and so on-- he is grateful to be alive. God created Him, God sustains him, and God fulfills him. Sweet son, you are so loved, just the way you are. I pray that you grow up in a world where people love sinners but hate sin. Where we Christians who claim to know Christ will not claim to promote murder with the same lips. Where people will see Christ in us and not us doing a poor job of showing His grace. Love others son, forgive those who do wrong, love yourself just as God has made you, and support and lead the world around you. You and your sister are unbelievably loved and cherished. I praise God for you are fearfully and wonderfully made! Love, Your mommy. P.S. This is the reason why I work at the pregnancy center. To offer moms in crisis pregnancies a chance at salvation and redemption, material and emotional support, and skills they need to either create an adoption plan or parent their little ones. Thanks for always having a joyful heart about coming to work with me... you are my inspiration. Oh, one last thing. I sure wish Dr. B was with us at the library yesterday when you said to the librarian "can you find me a book about how oxygen works in my body".

new mercies

"His mercies are new every MINUTE". I have had one of the worst "mom" 36 hours ever. I have done everything my heart and mind tells me not to. I have yelled at my son, given him an attitude of annoyance, and just generally I have failed at showing him grace. I feel horrible. Just plain horrible. Who is this mean mom in my heart? Why do I constantly expect him to be 10 years old when he is three? Although my angry yell was because he blatantly hit his sister for really the first time in her life; his wrong action should not have produced one in me. And although he has been potty trained for 15 months and has soiled his pants without ever asking to use the potty- doesn't mean that I need to yell about it. And although he asks 5 million questions all day long about every little thing doesn't mean I give him an attitude. God has given this little guy of mine an ability to communicate well and with that communication I sometimes treat him as though he is older than he is. God has also given him an incredible mind to ask questions and see how things work. He thirsts for knowledge in the same way that I should be thirsting for Christ. And although I have not had to change his dirty "messes" in over a year doesn't mean that I should be quick to anger when he has an accident(s). While praying again and again and asking God for patience and forgiveness, I consistently see myself as N and the Lord as my parent. How many times does Jesus lovingly draw me close to him when I have hurt another of his children. How many times does he clean up all of my messes? How many times does he answer my millions of questions? How many times does he respond in love rather than annoyance or anger? Every. Single. Time. He Does. Lord take his hardened heart and teach it to love my children the way you love me. Forgive me of my anger and fill my heart with more grace and love than I can imagine. Help me not to dwell on my inadequacies as a mom but to know that in my weakness your strength abides! Abide in me Lord and let me be the reason why my children commit their heart to you- let me shine your grace to them.

Early Bird

She get's up between 5:00 and 6:00am. Everyday, no matter what time she goes to bed. She's my early bird. I'm her very tired mama. She wants time alone with me in a quiet peaceful house. She wants to play and sign songs. She wants to stand and attempt to walk. It's her time to shine and to get all of the attention. Ignoring her doesn't seem to solve the problem. Lord, please help me to see this early bird - crack of dawn- hour as a blessing. Give me strength and energy to continue my day. Help me to savor our 6:30am walks into town or to get groceries. Help me to drink deep of this time in life where it is just a fact that I do not get sleep. Help me to have peace knowing that I am not sleeping because my kids want to be with me and the situation is not the other way around. Wake up this tired mommy and help me to love on my early bird! She is an incredible joy, gift, and blessing in my life. Thank you for creating her!!!